


tales of boy bands

by r0wlets



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Gen, i literally wrote this listening to some drunk karaoke streamer i've hit peak shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 12:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14894513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0wlets/pseuds/r0wlets
Summary: Curiosity killed the two brothers. Oneshot.





	tales of boy bands

_tales of boy bands_

“Anise, what the hell are you listening t- ow!”

Luke rubbed his arm as he kept a finger pointed at Anise’s Bluetooth device. He wasn’t the most tech-savvy person of the bunch, nor did he understand the music that was coming out of the Bluetooth. No, seriously. He didn’t understand what the singers were saying. It wasn’t Japanese. He glared up at Asch, who had that everlasting scowl on his face, and puffed out his cheeks. ”Hey! What was that for?!” he demanded. 

“You can’t just ask a little girl a question with that kind of attitude, dreck!” Asch sneered back in the exact tone. Then, trying his best to make a face other than a Classic Resting Face and failing, he turned to Anise, looking constipated. “Yeah, what the hell _are_ you listening to?”

Anise rolled her eyes, sitting up and swinging her ankles as she reached to lower the volume down to almost a quiet whisper. “I keep telling you two I’m a teenager now! I’m thirteen! That’s practically an adult nowadays.” She tutted, taking a sip of her cucumber water. " _Anyway_ , you crudes, this is Seventeen, one of the hottest kpop boy bands around. They’re suuuch hotties. I mean, super-hot. I mean, if me and Ion already didn’t have matching cool mood promise rings, I’d have to get a solid estimate from everyone- yes, Luke?”

She pointed to Luke, who had his hand raised. His face looked as if he were about to be hit by a convoy of semitrucks. “So what’s a kpop?”

“I, hughm. I, too, would like to know what a kpop is,” Asch mumbled under his breath. 

“Are you serious, Asch? Natalia listens to this album all the time in the car. She’s even the one that let me borrow her CD when I was first getting into kpop. C’mon, boys. Jt’s time for another lesson.” 

Anise’s expression was deadpan as she pulled out two wooden stools from the kitchen. Both boys groaned. Every time someone brought out the stools, it was they who was usually at the receiving end of a long and often boring lecture about something that neither of them cared about in the slightest. One time even Ion used the stools to tell them that maybe trying to make a contest over who could make the loudest fart noises in an empty cathedral wasn’t the greatest idea, especially twenty minutes before one of the cathedral’s monthly bake sales. Old ladies didn’t have the greatest of hearing, anyway.

Luke took a seat and picked up Mieu, placing the wandering cheagle on top of his head. If he fell asleep this time, Mieu was always a buddy to keep him informed of what he missed. Asch sat on the other stool, pressing a hand against the wall for balance. As if she were always prepare for this exact moment in time, she pulled out a large easel, complete with pictures and bright highlighter. At the top was BOY BANDS written in an atrocious, squiggly pink. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Boy bands, my dear boys,” Anise started, putting a hand over her mouth like a damn cat again, “are one of the best ways to a girl’s heart. The kpop craze started maybe ten years ago in South Korea and started to get big overseas after our sucky governments finally stopped banning imports from nonaffiliated countries. BTS was the biggest name, breaking the most illegal downloads in Kimlasca in 2016. Iiii’m not the biggest fan of them, but a couple of their songs are good. And, for a fee, I’d gladly give you which band is Natalia’s favorite.”

She looked up expectantly at Asch. The older brother glared at her for a few seconds before grunting, handing her a crumpled up wad of cash from the insides of his chest. Anise grinned and tucked it away, probably smug that she got him yet again. He always gave her money in exchange for Natalia’s trade-secrets. “Her favorite kpop group is Super Junior.

“Noooow~ before kpop we had jpop, which is our famous local music. Jpop is still popular here, but it’s not as popular in other countries except with those weird creepy nerds. And then-“

“Wait, why do we have to listen to the rest of this?” Luke interrupted. “We already know what kpop is- ow, quit it, Asch!”

“I paid her, you stupid dreck!”

“Gullible longface! I bet you don’t know that gullible’s not in the dictionary!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!”

Asch pulled Luke forward and put him in a stiff headlock. While Luke continued to punch him demanding to be let go, Anise flipped a page on the easel. “Anyway. And then before jpop, we had a lot of visual kei guys, guys with pretty makeup and big hair and stylish hair. You two could learn a couple of things.” She raised an eyebrow as she pointed to the picture on the right, which was a group of guys in windbreakers and sweatpants who looked drastically different from the guys on the right. “Around the same time, we had our classic boy bands, inspired by the American and British boy band groups. Not since the Beatles have these classic dorks looked so adorbs.” 

“Wait, is that Jade?”

Luke fell to the floor, and, landing on his elbows, he pointed to the picture on the right. Asch glared at him for a few moments before widening his eyes, pointing to the picture on the left. “No shit! That’s really the old buzzkill! And Dist! And…Emperor Peony? Well, I can believe him, but Dist? Really?”

“Ewww, Dist in two of my two favorite bands?” Anise said, gasping. “Well, time to tear up my entire childhood. I’ll see you all in therapy.”

She was about halfway across the room when Mieu flew over to her side, wrapping his small arms around her neck. “Wait a minute, Anise! Maybe it’s not them! Maybe it’s just a bunch of people who only look like Jade and Dist and the emperor!”

“And maybe Natalia doesn’t snore. What a life I’d love is both to live in, Mieu. Just look at him.” Anise pointed to the window, where Jade was sunbathing outside on a lawnchair wearing nothing but a liger-printed speedo. “He’s the kind of guy that’s more ruthless than me. He’s adult goals, Mieu. Do you really think he wouldn’t lower his standards and swallow his pride just to make more money?”

“Uh, well, maybe he had a good reason to do it?”

Anise pointed to a life-sized cutout of Dist in a maid outfit that sat at the dinner table at all times. “This is how he spends our hard-earned money. It’s not as if we help pay rent or anything! It’s like we’re second-class citizens!”

She yanked the two pictures from the easel and headed outside, Luke and Asch following her. Her interactions with Jade always had good substance to them. One time he made her travel halfway across the country just to get him the best noodles from the best yakisoba shop to cure his phenomenal sickness (later to be determined as a gnarly hangover). She didn’t pay rent for three months after that.

The brothers stood far away enough to avoid any potential projectiles as Anise stomped over him, hovering so she could block the exact amount of sunlight to stir him. “Ah, Anise, be a dear and add some more lotion on my back, would you?” he greeted. “You don’t have to rub it on me, just let it soak.”

“You ruined my dreams!” Anise snapped.

“Hmm? You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that. I ruin so many dreams for so many people that I lose track.”

“Were you in both of these bands?!”

She shoved the pictures mere inches from his face. Jade blew air at them before taking them, closely examining them for what felt like a long time before nodding. “Ah, yes. I was actually in both of those bands at the same time. Planning our tours was phenomenally difficult, Anise. It was only to the generous backing of Astor that we could get so fa-“

“Jade, I hate you!”

Jade cocked his head. “The nineties were a difficult time, Anise. I just finished my ph.D in cockamamie, and where else could this poor boy go with all of these student loans? Before the military I didn’t have a lot of options. These generations are getting more and more spoiled.” 

Anise tore up the pictures and stomped back inside, only Mieu following her back. Luke and Asch gawked at each other before gawking at Jade, who’d gone back to his business, humming a catchy pop tune. Maybe it was better if they didn’t know the answers to everything. Maybe it was better to be a good boy like Ion was.

Maybe they’d be better off forming their own boy band and moving the hell out of here.


End file.
